There is a strange juxtaposition between images of myself and my exhibitionist nature. In some ways they go together hand in hand. Yet there are also times they are at odds with each other.
The reason I started my blog was so I could fly my exhibitionist flag high, in a safe way. I don’t want anyone to see me who doesn’t consent to seeing me. Having those images on my blog mean only those who want to view my blog get to see me. It’s given me lots of opportunity to explore who I am, seeing myself through the eyes of my partner.
You see, I cannot take my own images. Firstly, I lack the ability to work a camera. I got so much praise for the cleverness of this image, looking at myself in the image and yet my partners hands on the camera. Except it wasn’t like that at all. I spent so long in front of the mirror not being able to take an image that didn’t have my face in or wasn’t blurred. In the end my partner grabbed the camera off me and took this quick snap before I had a meltdown!
I explained in the post how I was taking on a 365 project, and I did. I completed that project and by the time July had arrived I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Some of that was finding the time to edit seven images a week but mostly because I just lack the skill I need for photography. Yes, you can learn the technical skill but what I lack is the eye for a good image. I have no idea what makes an image good or bad. Framing is a dark art to me!
However, I’ve really struggled over the past year with images of me. That’s nothing to do with the photography itself, my photographer and editor is fucking amazing and I’d be lost without him. It has everything to do with not liking the body I have. I never been a big fan of it but now more than ever I can’t understand why someone else would want to see it.
My partner does have a bit of a thing for close up images, this helps in some ways as only a small part of me is usually in the image. But the down side to that is I also don’t always get the bigger picture of how some rope work or needleplay looks.
I do find my images far more palatable when they don’t have my face in them though. So it is a good job I’m anonymous so I don’t post images of that anyway! Even if I’m taking images to send to friends and partners, I will often take them without my face in it because it makes the image far better.
I want to rediscover that love of being an exhibitionist, to find a way of reconciling that I don’t need to be glamorous in uncomfortable lingerie for someone to appreciate me and my body. How to make those changes, I don’t know yet but I need to find a way.