Unfuckable

When I first saw this topic come up my heart sunk a little. The only unfuckable thing I could think of is me. I know that may bring some gasps and head shakes, I know for certain I’m going to be in trouble with The Keeper for saying it but this has been bottling up for a while and I just need to let it all out. This was actually a tough one to write and for the most part it was driven by a combination of a rough few weeks and hormones fucking with me…a perfect storm.

I’ve been struggling for a while feeling part of this community. Sex bloggers are supposed to be sexy and I’m not. I’m unattractive and undesirable so why should I have a place here? Everyone looks so damn hot and then there’s me. I, like many others, have body issues I don’t feel I can talk about. I hide away in baggy clothes to mask my unattractive body and yet all that does is make me look frumpier than I already am.

I do want to make it clear he tells me all the time he finds me sexy but I don’t see how. Up until him I feel like I’ve been a pity fuck all my life, the one who gets fucked because someone lost a bet. I dread the day he finds more confidence in himself and he realises he can do so much better than me even though he ensures me he won’t.

We’ve started to dabble in the world of non-monogamy again. It’s just dipping our toe, no more than that. We aren’t diving in head first because we want to do things differently this time. He also makes it clear that if non-monogamy is too hard for me then it stops.

Last time around it was the world of swinging we landed in, it seemed to be the thing to do if we wanted to play with others. Whilst we met some lovely people, they few and far between. More often they just weren’t right for us, we felt we were taking one for the team. In the end, the numerous rejections we had took its toll and that, amongst other reasons, put a stop to it. It wasn’t fun any more. 

The media and world around us lead us to believe it’s easy for women to find sex and for men to struggle. Well that isn’t the case with us. It seems easy for him, I find him hot and sexy so I completely understand it but where does that leave me? The number of times I heard how people wanted him but wanted me to stay at home hurt. The time I was told I looked like his mother stung, in fact that still stings now.

This time around we’ve decided that sex club sex with random strangers isn’t what we want to do. We want connection to people which makes it fun. Ideally we would like someone we know who’s happy to join him, me or us and someone who is as comfortable with us as we are with them. I still worry at times that at some point I may be sitting at home whilst he goes out and has fun and I’m not sure how I will feel about that. I would love to have just a small amount of the sex appeal I think he has. I want to feel wanted and this is something that can come in time and with the right people.

On the other hand though I’m also a voyeur. Watching him with people very much works for me. That can be anything from watching him tie someone or watching him fuck someone. So even if I don’t find people who will actively fuck me then I’m definitely not missing out completely. 

I think I went off topic a bit there! As for unfuckable objects, I don’t really have much connection to them. Yes we’ve fucked over the back of the sofa a lot and over the kitchen counter but I’m not a sentimental person so rarely attach meaning to objects.