I have a tumultuous relationship with love. I grew up being told I’m difficult to love which over time led to me believing that was not only true but that because I was difficult to love I wouldn’t actually find anyone to love me. That led to me putting up walls and not letting anyone in because I’d only end up getting hurt.
I had relationships, of sorts. I didn’t settle with anyone because I didn’t find anyone I really bonded with. I wasn’t monogamous, to be honest I didn’t even bother having those discussions. If they saw other people I didn’t care and I assumed they didn’t care whether I did or not.
And then that all changed. I met someone who gradually broke down those barriers. Who allowed me to be me and didn’t judge me, who enjoyed the same things as me and wanted to experiment and experience everything we could.
It didn’t take me long to fall for him but we didn’t want to settle down as we’d both come out of long term relationships, which caused me so much inner turmoil. I didn’t want to tie him to anything and yet I wanted him all to myself because I was having so much fun. But things worked out for us, we found what we needed together and eventually moved in together.
We’d spent time swinging but always together rather than playing separately, deep down we knew we wanted other things. Whilst we make each other very happy and we could easily just be in each other’s company we knew if we didn’t experiment we could look back on life and regret not trying.
However, those lessons we learn when we’re younger never really go away. If I was unlovable and we are only supposed to fuck those we love, doesn’t that mean he doesn’t really love me after all? I knew this wasn’t true but once those doubts crept it, it was hard to see past them.
Nonetheless, I was determined we were going to spend times with others. There were a couple of bumpy starts but with the Keeper and friends supporting me too, things are looking up. Instead of seeing what others are doing with their open relationships we are doing things our way. That means I need to know and trust his potential partners and we take things slowly rather than rush head first into something that then unbalances me again. I don’t class myself as poly, finding love once was difficult, could I love others? Could others love me? How would I feel if the Keeper loved others?
He started chatting to The American a year ago now and whilst the world has not been favourable with progressing their relationship physically, I’ve watched them grow closer as the year has gone by. I see the look in his eyes when she messages him, the grin on his face as she winds him up. She has brought out a different side to him, he has started working out…I nearly fell over backwards when that happened! And instead of feeling worried about where this is going, I feel warm and fuzzy inside and I’m excited where things may go.
Then there is The Adorable One, she is someone we have a relationship with both together and individually. And funnily enough I had a conversation recently about relationship labels. Are we friends with benefits, partners or lovers? I cycle between them not really knowing what fits best yet. What I do know is she seamlessly fit into our lives, it’s as if she’s always been there and yet we’re only at the beginning of our relationship. Again she brings out a side of the Keeper that I don’t.
Occasionally, when my brain decides to be evil, that makes me worry that I’m not enough and he wants more. But mostly I love sitting back and enjoy watching him explore different sides to him. I know it won’t always be easy, there will be times I struggle but by communicating those wobbles we can work through them.
We waste time looking forward the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
Tim Robbins
What has this all got to do with love? I don’t use that term lightly, in fact it took the Keeper and I years to tell each other how we felt. But I do know for sure that our partners are a very much wanted and important part of our lives. They enrich the love the Keeper and I have for each other. We’re turning our back on those message we learnt when we were younger.