CW: Suicide Ideation
We were having a great scene, trying new things and my boundaries were being pushed to the point I was comfortably uncomfortable. I had been denied orgasms in the lead up to the date and I knew I’d be denied that day too. I was being sent home used and discarded. All the right buttons were being pushed.
As he fucked me I had to focus hard not to come. I wanted to focus on him and his reactions but I knew that would push me over the edge and that was NOT going to happen.
Then he pulls out and utters the words ‘the condom slipped’. I was too high on endorphins to really worry too much. Nobody was at fault, it was just one of those ‘shit happens’ moments. Then he asked permission to reach into me to remove it, my brain still not quite functioning was thinking ‘dude, you’ve just had your cock in me, a finger is cool’ but actually consent is so fucking sexy, so being asked felt really good.
The scene continued and later that evening I went home with a big smile on my face.
Then, the next morning my brain went into overdrive. Whilst all the jizz looked to be contained, we know all it takes is a drop. I wasn’t worried about infections, both of us had tested very recently but I’m not on hormonal birth control. I checked my cycle and I was right at my most fertile…FUCK! My family aren’t the most fertile people but that was not a gamble I was willing to take.
After a mini meltdown, off I went to the chemist and got myself an Emergency Hormonal Contraceptive pill, otherwise know as the Morning After pill. Whilst I wasn’t embarrassed by the conversation I had in the chemist, there was a niggling voice that ‘I’m in my forties not my late teens and should know better’! I ignored that voice because there is no other option. So I went home, took the tablet and got on with my day.
Of course I got in touch with my date, it was only fair to inform him and put his mind at rest too. And genuinely, he was the best about it, even offering to pay, which wasn’t necessary but he was there for me during the resulting storm.
The reason I am no longer on hormonal birth control is it leaves me feeling terrible. I spent over 25 years on hormones and it was only when I stopped it that the thoughts of suicide faded. If I knew that was the reason I would have wanted to stop it years ago. So I knew having to take something that messed with my hormones wasn’t going to be fun but it was vital and it should only be short term.
The ride was rough, very rough. The thoughts of suicide returned almost immediately. So did the the thoughts of self blame, that somehow I must’ve wriggled and brought this on myself. The poly-wobbles were and still are horrible, my partners have people far better than me so why do they bother with me, I’m just a disaster. And then there were tears, I genuinely have no idea I had enough water in me to leak that much from my eyes. I know tears are my outlet so I tried not to fight them too much. The alternative would be much worse. Luckily, I knew it was the hormones doing their thing and I just had to power through.
And whilst the physical effects, such as nausea, calmed down after a few days, the fallout in my brain lingers. It’s hard to quell those thoughts overnight, I have to work hard on putting the evil beasts back into their box again after they’ve been released. It’s a process that will take many months. Working on my self belief is exhausting as is wondering if partners really want me or do they just tolerate me.
But at least my mind was at rest. All I had to do now was wait for my period to arrive. I knew the pill could delay it so all I needed to do was keep calm and not get stressed and delay it further! And wishing for the one thing, my period, that makes me more dysphoric than anything else felt wrong but I had to fight all those feelings this time. I’m so tired of fighting all those emotions. There are times I want the world to stop so I can get off, wouldn’t that be easier for everyone?
Luckily there wasn’t much of a delay, only four days but that doesn’t really count as a delay in my life so now I can continue as before, or at least try to. I’m more than a little shaken up, not from the experience itself but the hormonal outfall. I genuinely have no idea how I survived those 25 plus years on hormones, whilst they’re a necessary evil, they are just that, evil.