Self doubt and how it impacts me

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

Sylvia Plath

Self doubt should be my middle name, so much so I didn’t know whether I should write this post. I didn’t think what I had to say would be important, why would anyone want to read something where I’m being negative about myself. Yes, I see the irony!

I still don’t know where to start and where this could lead. I have a whole list of thoughts on not feeling enough for anyone. I can’t pinpoint where my feelings come from because it’s such a complex list of insecurities.

People only want someone that’s young, slim, feminine and attractive don’t they? Well I’m none of those things! And that’s a lot of insecurity to unpack.

My earliest physical insecurity was probably my breast size, I’m less worried about that now but then I have put on weight which means my boobs are bigger. With the extra weight comes other issues. For the most part I’m happy with my body except for my fat stomach. I look at images of other people and I see beautiful bodies. I forget that people use lighting and angles to focus on their best qualities!

There’s nothing I can do about the age factor. It’s something I’m aware of more and more. I look back and regret making some of the decisions I did. I wish I’d made the most of youth when I had it but all I can do is focus on the future.

And the feminine issue is a big one. I wrote about that recently. I feel that people much prefer to see a feminine body wearing pretty lace lingerie with long flowing hair, not someone who much prefers boxers and shaving their head. That’s something that’s going to take a lot of work on my part to work through.

But I’ve only spoken about my (mostly) physical insecurities. There are those that live deep in my mind too, those seem to be more deep rooted and hold me back across every area of my life.

I’ve never valued my writing, I always claim I’m not a writer, I’m just a blogger. I look at other peoples writing and deep meaningful words and I feel like I can’t compete. I need days to work on a post, other people see a tweet and write a beautiful response in a matter of moments. And whilst I know I’m me and I shouldn’t compare myself to others, it’s what we all do isn’t it! I should give myself a break, before I started the blog I wouldn’t let anyone other than my teachers read what I’d written. Granted my English teacher told me on multiple occasions that my writing was terrible and I’d fail my exams…I didn’t but put downs tend to make me want to shrivel up rather than fighting to prove people wrong.

Along the same lines I worked with a manager who told me I was stupid and useless on a daily basis. That took a powerful toll on me and in all honesty, I haven’t recovered and I’m unlikely to fully.

So there you have it, some of my insecurities and moments of self-doubt laid out bare for all to see. In part they’re all fairly minor and inconsequential but together they all work against me making me feel like someone that doesn’t belong in a sex blogging community because I’m not attractive enough to turn people on nor do I have the writing skill to turn people on either.