I have always been a horny little slut for as long as I can remember, I had several family members telling me in various ways that no man would ever truly want nor respect me. Is this what filled me with shame? Well actually no, it’s something far, far worse than that.
I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It comes with a huge collection of effects and side effects, not all of them apply to everybody but I seem to tick quite a few of the boxes! The raised levels of testosterone means I bulk up quite easily when I use weights at the gym, so I know to limit what I do, I’d like to be toned not muscular. My periods were all over the place, I went from going without for over a year to a non stop six months of hell and expensive hell at that! It causes acne, not something that affects me too much but I do have moments where I have the skin of a teenager again. It makes you carry your weight around your stomach, I’m already an apple shape and it’s something I work hard to control and because of this I have also been told I’m guaranteed to be diabetic. It can give you fertility issues, to be honest that’s something I’m actually grateful for. The one that really does effect me though is hirsutism, excess hair.
Other than hair where you’d expect it, I also have hairy nipples, around my belly button, I’ve been told I have hobbit feet (thanks for that one!) but worst of all I have a moustache and beard. This is where my shame really lies, hair isn’t feminine is it? It’s something only men have to deal with on a daily basis. Well not in my case, I have to shave daily and if I don’t I find myself covering my chin with my hands when I talk to other people. Deep down I know that only draws attention to the problem but it’s not that easy to break the habit and reveal my problem.
Luckily, my partner doesn’t mind. He’s actually helped me pluck stray hairs away, even having a good giggle as we did it, but in all honesty it was deeply humiliating, I hid away later and cried. I won’t let him see me shave, I can’t bear him seeing the most unfeminine moments. I did try laser treatments, in fact I spent a fortune on them but high street salons don’t have the surgical grade laser treatments I need.
Over the years I’ve sought medical advice. Mostly I’ve been told to come back when I want fertility treatment, that just angered me, the assumption I would want children just because I’m female. Then recently I saw a new doctor, she handed me tissues as I sobbed and actually listened to me and went through some options. I could take medication to reduce my testosterone levels but that could reduce my sex drive, out of all the effects of PCOS, I love having a high sex drive and the thought of losing that terrifies me. Luckily for me she completely understood, cue more sobs from me! Now I’m trying a different medication, it’s early days and I don’t want to get my hopes up but hopefully the hormones that have made me feel shame all my adult life will be less of a focus.