I’ve noticed lots of conversations happening recently about being queer enough. I don’t want my voice diluting those that are queerer than mine and yet shouldn’t my voice be heard considering I do call myself queer?
Let me give you a bit of a timeline of all those moments that led me to being where I am now.
When I was at primary school I was always a tomboy, it was an acceptable term then so I’m going with it for now. You’d find me climbing trees, playing football, always covered in mud or hanging upside down from climbing frames.
I was around the age of 7 when I begged my grandparent to buy me a leather waistcoat to wear with my jeans. They indulged me but I remember the look on my parents face when they told me it wasn’t meant to be worn by girls and dresses look better on me. That waistcoat stayed in my wardrobe and I secretly wore it in my bedroom when they couldn’t see it.
When I was about 9 my Mum stitched my favourite bands logo onto a denim jacket, I remember being so proud of going to school on a mufti day in my double denim. My form teacher even commented how ‘butch’ I looked.
I moved onto secondary school and I had to conform a bit more so I didn’t draw attention to myself.
It was during my school years I realised that girls were far more attractive than boys but I grew up during the years of Section 28, an insidious piece of legislation that meant teachers couldn’t discuss anything other than straight relationships and sex. I don’t think I remember when I first realised people had same sex relationships.
It was also during this time my favourite films were things like Philadelphia and Priscilla Queen of the desert. I know those two things don’t seem to go together! Maybe I thought same sex relationships only happened in films and normal people don’t have those feelings. Seeing as those in authority around me like parents and teachers wouldn’t and couldn’t tell the truth added to the confusion that is in a teenagers brain.
Because of all this I made a choice, the wrong choice looking back but I chose to suppress those feelings. A choice not to peruse my interest in women and just had relationships with men.
I was in my mid twenties before I decided to finally admit to being bisexual and allow myself what I’d denied for too many years and experiment with women. Except at that stage nobody wanted someone with so little experience to experiment on them so I ended up not being able to.
I met my current partner and they knew from the very beginning that I was bicurious and I wanted to explore that. Luckily he is amazing and encourages me to explore whatever I want to. He isn’t someone who wants to just sit back and watch two women together which made it easier that I’m not just a fantasy to watch, he just wants me to enjoy myself. It wasn’t long before I upgraded my label from bicurious to bi.
I do find labels a bit of a struggle. I’ve had many people tell me I’m actually pansexual not bi because I like people for who they are and not for what genitalia they have. However pan isn’t something that means anything to me, I’ve always preferred bi as an umbrella term.
It’s taken me getting to my forties for things to become clearer or is that queerer? Looking back at all those things from my childhood, from the clothes I preferred to the films I preferred, there were some pretty big, ok huge, clues to who I am.
I’ve always maintained I’m too big and squishy to fit neatly in a box. Maybe it’s this reason I think queer is the easiest label to use to describe who I am.
But then that brings me right back round to my first point, am I queer enough to add my voice to the queer voices out there? I have only had relationships with men. There are plans in place for this to change however 2020 happened and fucked up all our plans so once again I’m having to put all that to one side yet again.
So yes, I’m here and I’m queer and whilst I don’t have much experience I am queer and that means my voice is just as valid as everyone else’s, even if I don’t feel that way all of the time.