You’ll have to excuse the rambling nature of this post, it’s me trying to make sense of my own thoughts and that probably ends up with me making no sense at all!
From a young age I’ve always been attracted to women. But I grew up in the Section 28 years so I didn’t actually know same sex attraction was a real thing, I just thought I was wired wrongly. By the time I realised it was a thing I was in my late teens and yes, I know I was very naive! Having realised it was ok to be attracted to other women I had absolutely no idea how to meet one, especially as it was before I had access to the interwebs, and to be perfectly honest I still haven’t worked that out yet!
Throughout my teens and twenties I went through relationships with men, they were never really right for me but if someone said they were attracted to me then who was I not to go along with it and try to be normal. I don’t think I was particularly faithful to any of them and I didn’t really care if they were loyal to me or whether they saw other people too. Again, I was naive, I hadn’t realised that poly relationships existed. All this time I spent wondering if I would or could ever meet a woman, I even spoke to a guy I was seeing about it and he told me my thoughts were wrong, I couldn’t be attracted to both sexes and it’s just attention seeking, so I put it away to the back of my mind.
Fast forward a few years, I meet Sir and discover kink, not necessarily in that order, but things started to make sense. All this time I thought I was wired wrongly when there was a whole other world out there I was just about to discover. Fairly early on in our relationship we decided one way of fulfilling some of our fantasies was to swing with other couples. Primarily for me this was finally my chance to be with another woman. Sadly, most of the couples we met the women weren’t actually bi at all and would only kiss me after much encouragement from their partners. That and my realisation I was only sleeping with other men just to get to their wives or girlfriends and that didn’t feel right to me, were among the reasons we are no longer swinging.
I did come out the other side of that experience with an understanding that I was no longer curious, I definitely labelled myself as bisexual. Obviously I can’t control my overthinking brain and leave it with that. I then had thoughts wondering if I’m actually pansexual, I love people and not their genitals but seeing as I had never been in a relationship with another woman then I couldn’t really use that label to describe me. In going through that thought process I wondered what it would be like to just be with a woman and not worry about anybody else being there. Last summer Sir and I talked this through extensively, he would allow me that chance to discover who I am. I started searching but alongside other things I felt like I was going behind his back. I wanted that experience so much but all I could think about was him and if I’m with someone else then if all I can think about is him then it isn’t fair on her.
The past year has been a revelation. It’s fairly obvious I’m not poly as I can’t handle Sir being with someone else while I’m not there, at least not someone I don’t know. That’s more down to my insecurity and me not totally being able to trust someone I don’t know to come into our relationship, which when I see written down makes me sound like a horrible person. It’s also made me realise I don’t have time for a relationship with anyone else, our lives are so busy it can be a struggle finding time for one another let alone someone else. Would I like a friend I can fuck once in a while, if I’m honest yes but if I can’t handle him with someone else then it’s not fair on him if I do that. Right now we’re agreed we’d love someone to join us, not that that’s an easy task either!
In all that confusion I’ve put the pansexual label away, if I was poly rather than monogamish then I could see myself using that. I do still use the label bisexual, I may not have female partners right now but I still desire other women.