I mentioned a while back how I identify as gender queer so I thought I’d explain what that means and feels like to me.
The simple answer is I have no clue! I don’t really know what gender affirmation feels like. For the most part I know what I’m not rather than what I am. I know, confusing!
I’ve never felt particularly femme. Hair styling and make-up are dark arts to me, I have no idea where to start with either of them. My clothes, well I much prefer to be in jeans or trousers than skirts and dresses. I do try to be more feminine at times but it’s just exhausting.
I work in a very male environment so there are lots of initiatives for women but I don’t relate to any of them and I’m often guilt tripped into joining in with something because I should role model for the newer generations.
Luckily, when coronavirus hit, I was able to work from home full time. I do recognise my privilege in this, not everyone has been so lucky. However, it has given me an opportunity to escape all those women’s initiatives and it’s given me a chance to explore who I am a bit more.
The first change I made was not putting a bra on, it’s now been 14 weeks without wearing one and I’m dreading having to wear one again. Yes I’m lucky I don’t need one for support, I only really wear one to prevent my nipples poking peoples eyes out!
Clearly all my uncomfortable work clothes have gone and have been replaced with T-shirt’s, the downside of that is more ironing. Those who say I don’t need to, clearly don’t know how much I hate wrinkled clothes! Coupled with those T-shirt are dungarees for cooler days and pinafore dresses or dungaree shorts for the warmer ones. I can’t imagine wearing anything else, they’re both cute and comfy.
And finally I developed a love of wearing boxers. Why did it take me 40 years to find out just how comfy they are and they look so good stretched over my arse too. I started out ‘borrowing’ my partners but quickly discovered I needed my own.
What does this all mean in relation to my gender? Well I’m not too sure really. It’s meant that I haven’t needed to put a mask on and dress in a way that fits in with what society says I should wear. Not wearing that mask has meant I can relax and not feel so anxious. It also means I don’t feel I have to stick to one look. If I want to be more femme one day in a cute dress and be called a good girl, then the following day wear a cute suit and tie and be called a good boi, then I can. I don’t have to conform to society’s ‘norms’.
More than that I’ve realised being me is far more important than trying to squash myself into a neat little box that describes my assigned at birth gender. It’s given me hope for the future, I realise that’s a ridiculous thing to say given this weeks announcement regarding the Gender Recognition Act, read Quenby’s brilliant post for more on that! However, I’m talking from a personal point of view.
I hope that me being me will mean a happier me, a more relaxed me and a more confident me. Hope that, for the most part, I’m accepted by those that know and love me. Hope that things will become easier.
All that said I have one thing to say to those doubters and to those haters. The ones that think non-binary pronouns are confusing to their poor little brains, the ones who think that clothes, interests, actions, toys, genitals and all the rest are gendered. In the words of someone very wise indeed, they can SUCK MY DICK!