I have always been a green eyed monster, I don’t like being jealous, it’s something I hate about myself but it’s also something I’m working on hard.
Right from when I met the Keeper, we wanted to play with others. We were so into each other that we wanted to just play in the same room initially, to see each other’s joy and take it from there. And it was fun, although swinging was hard. The pressure, the disappointment, the not feeling attractive enough got to us and we decided to walk away.
Years later, we wanted to do the same again but by then we understood we had kinks and desires that the other couldn’t necessarily fulfil and that was fine. Well it was fine in theory.
I knew I’d find it hard to let him go off alone, so I thought before I played with someone else, I’d let him meet someone. Then if I really couldn’t cope then we knew we’d have to remain monogamous.
He met someone and I couldn’t cope, I yurned into a monster and completely melted down. It is not something I’m proud of and it’s hard to admit. To understand why I reacted that way I had to understand what my jealousy really was about.
Did I want him all to myself? Did I want to control him? Well no, that wasn’t the case at all. I want him to explore his kinks, to find other sides to himself. The last thing I wanted was to hold him back which is why I took the decision to go to therapy and work on this.
Turns out therapy didn’t work at all. I picked someone who I thought was a safe therapist when that wasn’t the case. So I decided to work on things by myself, with the help of people I trust.
So what releases my monster? Well it comes down to three things really.
Firstly, it comes down to my lack of self esteem. ‘Knowing’ that someone else is going to be sexier than me, better than me and more fun than me. Essentially that I’m not good enough. I have, mostly, learnt to not compare myself to others. Nobody is better than me, just different. New relationship energy can be hard to deal with. Knowing he’s lusting after someone else and not me isn’t always easy but I’ve come to learn that if he’s horny for someone else, I get the benefit of that horn!
Secondly, there’s the fear of missing out. If I’m in the same room and watching him play I’m filled with happiness. If I’m not in the same room but elsewhere in the house then I want to know what all the good noises are being caused by. I love that he’s enjoying himself but my voyeuristic instincts kick in and I want to see! There was a time recently where Honey had him in the vac bed whilst I was elsewhere in the house reading. The noises were so delicious I was trying so hard not to go and see what they were up to. Neither would have minded but I wanted them both to just enjoy themselves without me pottering about in the background.
The real test will come when he spends time away from the house with other people. It’s not happened yet but that’s more been about time and the convenience of having a house free of children or other people.
The final thing is making sure we play with the right people. I need his partners to respect me. I need to be comfortable with what’s going on. That maybe relaxed in the future when we become more experienced with other partners and I become more confident.
So there we have it, I’m working on controlling my green eyed monster. It’s not been an easy journey but I know it will be a rewarding one.