Behind the mask

As someone who doesn’t find it easy to make emotional connections with other people I always found it so much easier to have a one off encounter with someone rather than repeat the experience.

In reality finding a completely anonymous encounter is pretty much impossible, Even without revealing names how can you claim you’re anonymous once you’ve seen each other’s faces? So although even though what follows isn’t strictly anonymous, it’s as close as I got.

In my past I always used sex as a quick pick me up. My friends all went off for some retail therapy while I trawled through my phone book to see who was available. The chances are if someone was on that phone list they were likely to already have a partner, it’s not something I’m proud of and now I know there is a world of ethical non-monogamy it is something I wish I could go back and change. If any of them ever hinted at wanting to see me more then they were immediately struck off that list.

When I hit rock bottom I tend to self destruct and place little to no value upon myself. There have been times where I could easily have just put my address out there and invited anyone who wanted to turn up and use me as they wished. Luckily I never actually went that far, I’d like to think it’s because I was worried that I’d have inadvertently invited an axe murderer into my home but in reality I was more afraid nobody would turn up.

When I met my partner he would have been one of those one night stands but he was different. I was in a better place in my life and there was something special about him. I wasn’t prepared for a relationship but having a partner in crime to discover things that I couldn’t discover alone felt like the right thing to do.

As we discovered more about each other we took a step into the swinging world. We had lots of fun but I preferred clubs to meeting people online. With clubs you could meet, play and then walk away again, although our shyness didn’t make it that easy. Whereas meeting people online involved chatting and flirting before making arrangements, that just bored me. He did most of the chatting online, he knew my tastes and thoughts on what we were looking for and he enjoyed the tease and flirting. I was also pretty rubbish at the meeting for a drink part too, I wanted to skip all the small talk and just arrange a place to meet. I’m the same when I read an erotic story, I’ll skim over the background story and jump to the juicy bits.

As we became closer as a couple and he broke my barriers down things changed for me. It would be an ideal time to realise those fantasies of being bound, blindfolded and used by people I can’t see, now I have someone who will look after me and make sure I’m safe. However, right now I have no interest in playing with other men, Sir provides me with all the cock I need! I’m not saying that in the future we won’t explore and play with others again but I’ve laid my dark destructive ghosts to rest.