Anticipation

Anticipation is a funny thing, it can be good, it can be exciting but it can also be an anxious time.

When something is laid out in front of me I love that moment of savouring the view, the scent and the surroundings before I dive in.

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”

A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

But there’s a different kind of anticipation, the one where you don’t know what’s going to happen. I love the thought of a surprise and I love the idea of not knowing what’s going to happen but the reality is very different. Instead of excitement, my chest tightens, my brain goes into overdrive and the fear builds.

You’d think I know and trust the people in my life and I do when my brain is being rational. But when people are busy planning events or a scene and it’s being kept a secret, especially when I know those people like to push my limits, my brain stops being rational. If it’s only a few hours that’s one thing but knowing weeks in advance where the anticipation has weeks to build, especially when hormones also play their evil part, can lead me into a very dark place. I’ve been known to hide away, the tears flowing and being utterly terrified of a scene that, in the end, is actually far more gentle than my mind thinks it will be.

I now know I need to let people know when I feel that way. Getting involved in the planning and being part of some of the conversations really helps. Knowing a rough outline of a plan is better than not knowing anything at all.

Anxiety is a bitch and maybe one day I may be able to control it so excitement doesn’t get twisted into fear. Until then I just need to accept that anticipation isn’t always the fun it should be.