I am what I am

15.02.2016

by sub-Bee

Wicked Wednesday

You’ll have to excuse the rambling nature of this post, it’s me trying to make sense of my own thoughts and that probably ends up with me making no sense at all!

From a young age I’ve always been attracted to women. But I grew up in the Section 28 years so I didn’t actually know same sex attraction was a real thing, I just thought I was wired wrongly. By the time I realised it was a thing I was in my late teens and yes, I know I was very naive! Having realised it was ok to be attracted to other women I had absolutely no idea how to meet one, especially as it was before I had access to the interwebs, and to be perfectly honest I still haven’t worked that out yet!

Throughout my teens and twenties I went through relationships with men, they were never really right for me but if someone said they were attracted to me then who was I not to go along with it and try to be normal. I don’t think I was particularly faithful to any of them and I didn’t really care if they were loyal to me or whether they saw other people too. Again, I was naive, I hadn’t realised that poly relationships existed. All this time I spent wondering if I would or could ever meet a woman, I even spoke to a guy I was seeing about it and he told me my thoughts were wrong, I couldn’t be attracted to both sexes and it’s just attention seeking, so I put it away to the back of my mind.

Fast forward a few years, I meet Sir and discover kink, not necessarily in that order, but things started to make sense. All this time I thought I was wired wrongly when there was a whole other world out there I was just about to discover. Fairly early on in our relationship we decided one way of fulfilling some of our fantasies was to swing with other couples. Primarily for me this was finally my chance to be with another woman. Sadly, most of the couples we met the women weren’t actually bi at all and would only kiss me after much encouragement from their partners. That and my realisation I was only sleeping with other men just to get to their wives or girlfriends and that didn’t feel right to me, were among the reasons we are no longer swinging.

I did come out the other side of that experience with an understanding that I was no longer curious, I definitely labelled myself as bisexual. Obviously I can’t control my overthinking brain and leave it with that. I then had thoughts wondering if I’m actually pansexual, I love people and not their genitals but seeing as I had never been in a relationship with another woman then I couldn’t really use that label to describe me. In going through that thought process I wondered what it would be like to just be with a woman and not worry about anybody else being there. Last summer Sir and I talked this through extensively, he would allow me that chance to discover who I am. I started searching but alongside other things I felt like I was going behind his back. I wanted that experience so much but all I could think about was him and if I’m with someone else then if all I can think about is him then it isn’t fair on her.

The past year has been a revelation. It’s fairly obvious I’m not poly as I can’t handle Sir being with someone else while I’m not there, at least not someone I don’t know. That’s more down to my insecurity and me not totally being able to trust someone I don’t know to come into our relationship, which when I see written down makes me sound like a horrible person. It’s also made me realise I don’t have time for a relationship with anyone else, our lives are so busy it can be a struggle finding time for one another let alone someone else. Would I like a friend I can fuck once in a while, if I’m honest yes but if I can’t handle him with someone else then it’s not fair on him if I do that. Right now we’re agreed we’d love someone to join us, not that that’s an easy task either!

In all that confusion I’ve put the pansexual label away, if I was poly rather than monogamish then I could see myself using that. I do still use the label bisexual, I may not have female partners right now but I still desire other women.

Written by sub-Bee

Kinky submissive who loves to share her naughty side here at atosubbee.com

You can also find me here: @sub_bee

10 thoughts on “I am what I am”

  1. Beauty's Punishment says:

    I have always identified as bisexual, and I’ve had two husbands who couldn’t deal with it in one way or another. I’m sure some people would say, but wait, aren’t you married to a woman now? I just tell people that my kids tell me I’m a lesbian. Depends on how much time they want to take explaining things to friends.

  2. Brigit Delaney says:

    Yup. I get it. Totally. I thought I was strange for liking a girl in my teens, as well. And then I thought I was weird for liking pain when I was in my early twenties. And now that I have a man willing to explore pretty much everything with me, including my bi-sexuality, I can’t handle sharing him. Ugh. Human sexuality can be so complicated. I can completely understand where you are coming from.

  3. Flip says:

    I’m another for whom elements of this resonate, although not necessarily the bisexual part, as, although I find women incredibly attractive and have been intimate with in the past, I wouldn;t classify myself as being bi.

    Like you, I could never see my Sir with another, it would kill me. It is a subject that came up not so long ago and emotion took over, and I had a full on sobbing breakdown….for some it simply isn’t going to work, and I am in that ‘some’ category.

    This is a beautifully honest post, thanks for sharing part of yourself and your story xx

  4. Cammies on the Floor says:

    Such a great reflection because it expresses the doubt, insecurities, and confusion – this will probably help many others not feel so alone in these emotions.
    I would identify as pansexual except I only have sex with my husband – doesn’t seem to fit. That’s the problem with labels, and I saw it echoed in this post quite a few times.
    Good luck finding your lady, she’s out there.

  5. Modesty Ablaze says:

    Just like Marie, so much of what you have said, resonates with me. It is so difficult finding/meeting like-minded people . . . or even like-minded people where all the personalities and attractions (and I don’t mean just sexual) gel. From my own experiences sometimes that one, special, occasion just happens when you are least expecting, or looking for it. After many years of swinging play, Hubby and I have been incredibly lucky to meet one couple who we adore as friends just as much as lovers. I hope that your desire may also become reality when you least expect it.
    Xxx – K

  6. Molly says:

    There is so much about this post that I identify with. We are also monogamish and while he is absolutely fine with me seeing women I found from recent experience that it was me that found myself missing him when I did which just didn’t seem right on the lady in question. For now, I am not looking for anyone but like you, we would really love to find another ‘significant third’ and if she was bi too, then whooo hooo….

    Mollyxxx

  7. Malin James says:

    This resonated a great deal with me. As a bisexual woman, I often feel like my attraction to women is seen as something easily dismissed because I’m married to a man. While the label itself isn’t as important to me, the fact that my attraction to women is very real – as real as my attraction to men – is very important to me. Wonderful post.

  8. Marie Rebelle says:

    There are so many things in this piece that resonate with me. The fact that you thought you were wired wrongly, realizing that there’s something like bisexuality, not able to find a woman even though you want it so much. All the same over here although it took me much longer than you to discover several things about myself. But, I identify as bisexual too and one thing I would love is a special lady friend with whom I can be intimate from time to time. But finding someone is SO difficult… sometimes I think there’s no one out there looking for the same.

    Thanks for sharing this and it’s wonderful that you have discovered yourself and are happy with who you are, and that you have the support of your Sir 🙂

    Rebel xox

  9. Jade A. Waters says:

    I think these are the best revelations to have! Knowing yourself (and what makes you tick) is really the sexiest thing of all. 🙂 XX

  10. Fbian says:

    Makes total sense ! Well done you ! 🙂

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